Amazon Reviews
Amazon Reviews

A place to submit Funny Amazon Reviews.

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Linnon Linnon · 8d

I was a little disappointed that there was no warning label on the can alerting consumers that after eating this that they would sh#t fire for three days. On my last trip to the bathroom the shower curtains melted and the wallpaper caught on fire, quickly spreading into the attic. I managed to throw a wet towel around my seared bottom and crawl to a neighbor's house where I called 911. Although the fire department responded quickly, they had to call in additional fire departments from surrounding counties to assist with the rapidly spreading blaze. After several hours they finally enlisted the aid of the local airport and brought in a sprayer using Class A Fire Retardant Foam to put out the fire. Sadly, by the time the flames were finally extinguished the town was reduced to ash leaving only the carousel at the mall intact.

Despite the fire, third degree burns and a statement issued by the Environmental Protection Agency that the radioactive levels in the ash would make rebuilding the town anytime in the next 500 years problematic I give this product a solid 3 stars due to the delectable taste of the dragon! I expected the dragon to be tough and chewy, but instead it sizzled delightfully on the tongue and melted into sheer bliss! I would order this product again if we still had a post office.

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Linnon Linnon · 8d

Most "dragon meat” is disappointingly low grade. I mean, where are they packing this crap, in Scranton? Inevitably I’d chomp down on undesirable, D-grade bits of unicorn, faerie, and lesser archangel mashed up in in a mealy lump of so-called “pure" dragon meat. I had pretty much given up on finding any brand that could hold up on its fiery descent through nine levels of hell, all the way to my new TV tray. (What? It’s made of skulls.)

Imagine my surprise when I clawed open this can to discover a most glorious hunk of dragon. Actual damned dragon. Steeped in its own green juices, too! Color this Lord-of-All-Evil sa-tis-fied. Bam!

This dragon meat has the tender texture of cyclops, the gaminess of a two-year-old fawn, fewer bones than a manticore tail, and no nasty roc feathers to pick out of my fangs. My only problem now is figuring out how to keep Cerberus’ gaping maw and sad, begging eyes away from me while I feast. #UnderWorldProblems, am I right?

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Linnon Linnon · 8d

4 stars only because nothing beats fresh Dragon Meat (Hungarian Squaller is my personal favorite, so tender). I found its best served warmed on a hearty dark rye bread slathered with stone ground mustard. Especially when paired nicely with the the blood of your enemies.

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Linnon Linnon · 8d

Do NOT eat too much of this stuff at once. I had fire shooting out of my anus for a week. Almost burned down the entire complex. Smelled like diamonds and treasure.

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Linnon Linnon · 8d

it is not real meat wtf what is the point?????

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Linnon Linnon · 8d

I loved the taste and since I still think it's a bargain we're getting, I won't deduct points for having to spit out the scales.

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Linnon Linnon · 8d

God it's a legit Dragon meat!!! Never thought that I would be able to taste my Dragon kill in Skyrim.

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Linnon Linnon · 8d

Delicious.

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Linnon Linnon · 8d

After wearing out my previous nickel, I decided to buy this one. I like to put it in my right front pants pocket and play with it while standing in line. After many months of doing this, I started to notice people staring at me with disturbed looks on their faces. That's when it hit me! People love to hear the sounds of change clanging in their pockets, but my nickel had nothing to clang against! So I bought a second Philadelphia Mint Jefferson Nickel from 2003. Now when I'm playing in my pocket with my nickels, my neighbors can delight in the sounds coming from my pants! I'm seriously considering buying a third and having a virtual symphony down there!

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Linnon Linnon · 8d

This nickel did not, in fact, taste minty at all. Needless to say, I was infuriated about this less than satisfactory transaction.

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Linnon Linnon · 8d

Wow! As an avid nickel enthusiast I found this product to be exactly what I needed. My wife and I argued for weeks before finally pulling the trigger on this one. It came exactly as described. She is a HUGE Lincoln fan but I was diagnosed with Cuprolaminophobia last year so it's best I stay away from all things copper! It's been a huge strain on our relationship.

If any president is going to be riding shotgun in my pocket it better be a Jefferson. I think this nickel saved my marriage!

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Anonymous Anonymous · 26d

Body bag review: “my neighbors stopped bitching”

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Linnon Linnon · 1mo

The handy carrying case is also quite useful for carrying other dismembered obese human torsos.

Just in case you were curious.

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Linnon Linnon · 1mo

I'm really happy with my Fat Old Fred, Black. Though if I'm being up-front, I have to deduct 1 star for it not being quite black. It's actually closer to the color of wet terra cotta. Anyway, I was thrilled upon the arrival of my Fat Old Fred, Black, and immediately began to explore the various uses for a silicon sculpt of a kind-of-old-looking obese torso. My first idea was to cover him in paint and use a trebuchet to launch him at a giant canvas (after all, we all know art is really a process not a product amirite?) but I achieved unsatisfactory results as I seemed to only get face+tits+belly prints. After an hour or so the wall of my warehouse loft wound up looking like a giant had dipped their balls in paint and slapped them all over my wall. Not a good look, unfortunately.

My backup plan was to pimp him out to the crackheads who have an encampment in the storm drain under my warehouse, and so far I'm happy to say I've already recouped my costs in crack rocks and crusty dollar bills. A-, 8/10 would buy again.

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Anonymous Anonymous · 1mo

This product functioned perfectly in its role within the centerpiece of the ritual my regional daedric cult performed this past saturday evening. The avian sacrament and the yarn balls functioned well when this lubricant was utilized. Sheogorath was pleased. Sadly we used all fifty five gallons of the product, but, we will be purchasing more of this effective fluid.

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Sure a cat may be happy with a gigantic phallic symbol strapped to it's head but better yet this is perfect for the working woman. I strapped one on and wore it to work and immediately my salary went up nearly 50%, I received a promotion, and I got a corner office. On the down side, I've had to learn how to play golf, pee standing up and when someone caught me re-inflating it I had to come out of the closet. But other than that -- it's great!!!!!!!

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Linnon Linnon · 2mo

On my birthday (4/20), I found this cute little green item on my dresser. I assumed Brad had left it for me as a "special" birthday gift.

I tried for hours to figure out how to pry off the lid so I could load it properly, but no go. Then the thing started yodeling at me, and I thought, "Well, no more from that dispensary."

Disappointed.

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Linnon Linnon · 2mo

I actually acquired this watch accidentally and boy, I have never been happier. Here is my story:
I had finally found my dream home and was about to sign the deed where I would pay my $80,000 down payment. However, I wasn't really reading the contract because of how long it was, so I just skipped to the end and signed my name. After signing it, I had realized that I actually signed a bill of sale for this watch, and I had to pay the 80 thousand for it.

Of course, at first I was infuriated, but I soon came to realize that this transaction was actually a blessing in disguise. Acting on my initial anger, I decided to bury this watch on a large lot of land in New York, and went home. On that night a storm came and rain drenched all of New York City. The following morning, when I drove by that same lot of land, something magical had happened. A 68 story skyscraper had risen from the empty lot of land and I was notified by the city register that I owned the building. I was in absolute shock from hearing the great news! I then immediately ordered 20 more of these watches with the income I was getting from the tenants in my skyscraper(which I would name after myself, Trump Tower). I planted each of these watches in open lots of land around the US and the world and the same thing happened: Hotels, Golf courses, Casinos, and other skyscrapers all rose from each of those locations. I soon became a billionaire and started a company to hold these properties. I named this organisation after myself as well, of course.

When 2015 came, I was already incredibly rich and powerful... and smart and wise and handsome and had great hair. With President Barack Hussein Obama about to exit from office the following year, I thought long and hard about a decision I had to make. I thought to myself "if someone who wasn't even born in the United States was able to become president(since he obviously faked his birth certificate), then anyone can". I bought one final watch, and decided

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Linnon Linnon · 2mo

I needed to get "something new" for my wedding day. Well, I couldn't have picked a more flattering piece of jewelry! Nothing says "marriage material" like the sweet gold-played combination of tangled snakes and an emblazoned skull. My guests were entranced by the eyes on the skull (which glow red when midnight strikes), and the way it complimented my new wedding band. I have to say, I had no idea how classy this watch would make me feel on my wedding day. I felt like Audrey Hepburn.

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Linnon Linnon · 2mo

My family does a white elephant Christmas gift exchange every year. The price of gifts are limited to $20. I am going to buy this watch, if I can sell my house, and pretend that it only cost $10. The look on the persons face that opens this gift will be priceless! He/she will be begging someone to take it from him so he/she doesn't get stuck with it!!! I really hope my uncle Steven gets it. I will wait until I know that he has thrown the watch away in anger, thinking that someone just bought him a $10 gift, before I finally fess up that it cost me almost $90,000! This will be awesome! Thanks Satan for selling your watch!

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