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Dad Jokes
Dad Jokes

A place to share Dad Jokes.

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Grandfather clocks can be really dangerous. If you don't believe me, mine just struck two.

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Reece Reece · 7d

*best friends crashes into a car*
Friend: CALL ME AN AMBULANCE!!!!!!!!!!!
Dad: YOU'RE AN AMBULANCE!!!!!!!!

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A local CD company fired 2 managers in a week and no one knew what to do.

It was Panic at the Disc Co.

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Aarams Aarams · 9d

there are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off, how many are left?

499.

what are the three steps to put an elephant into a fridge?

open door, put in, close door.

what are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge?

open door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, close door.

the lion king is having a birthday party everyone but 1 animal goes, who doesn't go?

the giraffe, he's suck in a fridge.

sally has to cross an alligator-infested river, she swims and survives. How?

the alligators are at the birthday party.

now sally is dead, how?

she got hit in the head by a falling brick.

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What do you call a person that has no body and nose?
A:Nobody Nose

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What do you call a bad joke?
My children!

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Redmap Redmap · 23d

(okay this might be terrible)

Q: Why is green the best colour?

A: So you can be in the limelight.

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Anonymous Anonymous · 24d

What did the bull say when his kid was going to school? Bison

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Anonymous Anonymous · 1mo

My dad always tells me he's excited for tomorrow. When I ask why, he always replies "Because I get better looking everyday!"

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Dad: Pete and Repeat are sitting on a fence. Pete falls off. Who's left?

Me: Repeat.

Dad: Pete and Repeat are sitting on a fence. Pete falls off. Who's left?

Me: Repeat!

Dad: Pete and Repeat are sitting on a fence. Pete falls off. Who's left?

Me: REPEAT!

Dad: Pete an–

Me: STOP IT! YOU'RE NOT FUNNY, DAD!

Dad: Why can't anyone respect my jokes? For PETE's sake! Haha!

Me: UUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!

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Q: Why are black people so tall?

A: Because their knee grows.

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I killed my dad

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_Jack_ _Jack_ · 1mo

Dad: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: I don’t know, why?
Dad: To see the annoying child

*Straight after*
Dad: Knock knock
Me: Who’s there
Dad: The chicken

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Anonymous Anonymous · 1mo

My dad and I were sitting in a resturant and were talking about clothes, so I said loudly, “I haven’t changed my underwear in two days” just as the waitress came by and said, “is there anything else I can get you?” My father looked me dead in the eyes and said, “Some new underwear.” He sat there smiling as the waitress walked away awkwardly

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Dad: How do you type a capital e?
Me: You hold shift, then press e.
Dad: I don't know...
Me: What? What's wrong?
Dad: Sounds pretty shift-e to me.

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Anonymous Anonymous · 1mo

dad: how do you keep an idiot in suspense?
son: I don't know, how?
dad: *leaves room and doesn't talk for the rest of the day*

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Dad: So, what time would you like us to pick you up?

Me: 2:30.

Dad: Ouch, someone call a dentist!

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Chai_Tea83 Chai_Tea83 · 2mo · Edited

Chai: Dad?!?
Dad: Yes?
Chai: I'm severely bleeding from a recent amputation that might have caused permanent damage to my limbs and brain, since I suffered from a concussion as well.
Dad:...
Chai:... (slowly dying on the floor)

Dad: Hi 'Severely bleeding from a recent amputation that might have caused permanent damage to my limbs and brain, since I suffered from a concussion as well'! I'm Dad!

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Anonymous Anonymous · 2mo

Call me a cab
You are a cab

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Anonymous Anonymous · 2mo

This is the worst joke I could come up with:

Q: What did the glue stick with allergies say?

A: ACH-GLUE!

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